my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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