R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
