Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
