all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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