I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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