worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
