Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
