I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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