He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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