My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
