i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
