This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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