If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
