If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
