It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
