Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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