Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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