why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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