I just made out with a guy for $7.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
