DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize