Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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