It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
