My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
