when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
