wat bout pragnant strippers??
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
