I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
