At least make sure they are 18
Why
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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