Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
