i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
