i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
