dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
