i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
