How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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