i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
