Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
