The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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