just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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