Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize