i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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