Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
