Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
