i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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