I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize