I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
