Banned from zoo.
Again?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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