I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
