Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
