I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Best friends brother. Beat that.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
