Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
