You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize