you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
