He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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