"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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