can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
