I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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