Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
