Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize