He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
