hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
